smile

14/10/10

"Helen, come into my office."  The coordinator calls me from the other room.  This just minutes after I pitch my idea to help the fate of our CBO.  We are failing the community without money, without funding, and I realize this CBO will crash, 13 years after establishment, if it isn't helped soon.  I walk into his office, a young boy of about 7 stands.  His eyes big, brown, and gleaming.  The skin taunt against his undernourished body.  He recognizes me, and I him.  He came by the compound the other day, after everyone had left, and the door to my house was open and welcoming.  "Coordinator kanye?" he asks, trying to keep his distance.  But he's still a curious child and he eyes wonder into my home.  "Akia, aparo ni ne odhi dala." (I don't know, I think that he went home.)  He finally looks up into my eyes and flashes a smile, I'm taken aback by the grace of it, and all I can do is try to return it.  As soon as it began, it was over and the boy vanishes.  I'm back to my chair, thinking about that smile.  He appears at my door again, this time wrapped with confidence.  "Mia pesa." (give me money.)  He does not dare look me in the eye, instead he scans my gas cooker, my radio, my tupperware full of food, and a rack of unripened bananas..  My heart sinks.  I don't blame you little boy.  How do you explain to a child the reason you're here is more than being an American bank account?  You can't because it doesn't stop his stomach from grumbling, and the present, getting to tomorrow is all that matters to his family.  I clinch my teeth and look shamefully at the ground.  "On...onge pesa."  By the time I look up he's gone.   And at least he can tell his family that he asked.

Back in the coordinators office I meet the boys sweet smile again.  "Helen this is what I'm talking about.  This boys mother is suffering from HIV complications and is very sick.  He's come to collect money so they can take her to the hospital in Oyugis town."  Coordinator hands him 200 shillings.  He's too young to sign the paper stating that he received the money.  I see this everyday.  I live in it and I work with it, but for some reason today I can't talk about it.  It's the smile, I can't crack it.  Is it childhood oblivion, or does it speak of wisdom?  Is he way too mature for a 7 year old, and the gravity of the situation is all too well understood?.  I should discuss it, I should cry, I should click my tongue and shake my head, but all I really want to do is smile and get back to work.  Because the next time I see him I want to be able to offer him something that he can really use.  That's all you can really do in the present, just keep smiling and work towards the future.

The next morning during my run I see him standing alone on the path, waiting.  He follows me for several kilometers, our smiles contagious.