The Ultimate Greeter
[12/10/10]
Greetings in Kenya are incredibly repetitive and often contain material that is obvious to the outsider, yet they are an essential custom that must proceed any conversation. A translated example of these greetings used daily is as follows:
The day is opening.
I greet you.
How did you wake?
You have just finished.
How are you going?
You have just arrived.
How is home?
You are walking.
You have just returned.
Most of the time I feel like these are just bad conversation starters, but to Kenyans it's almost rude if you don't ask how someone woke. I like to mix these up a bit and say the opposite, “No I am not 'just here'...it's an illusion!” (complete with hands waving). In which case the sarcasm is lost and they move onto the next greeting, leaving me in a weird place.
To be as thorough as possible the “Ultimate Greeter” can only be understood when they are broken down into appropriate age groups:
Babies (ages newborn to 1 year): I love babies here because they are the only people who don't see you as different, and then immediately feel the need to greet you. Their only concern is where their momma is. In fact, I am a hypocrite because I have found myself on several occasions staring at them, lost in the thought that they see me as the same as everyone else...and that's such a wonderful concept.
Children (ages 2-10): I'm pretty sure most first words here are pretty similar. I can just see the parents chanting them along: “Mzungu, how are you?” Faster and faster until the child find confidence in every syllable. But really I have found that there are two types of “Ultimate Greeter” children here. When they see a white person it comes down to the kids who run up to you with confidence and stick their hands out, and those who don't. The latter generally wait until the shock of the mzungu sighting has warn off and you pass before they muster the strength to return the greeting. The best is when one child emerges from a group of it's peers to greet the strange visitor, giving the others a chance to marvel is their friend's courage.
Youths (Ages 11-30): This huge chunk of the population is generally too cool to greet wazungu. Thank goodness because I can't deal with that teenage angst.
Adults (Ages 31-50): This age group prefers to replace “mzungu” with more appropriate Dholuo greetings, which makes-up most of my joy here in Kenya. They are usually excited to speak to white people in Dholuo, at which point they will coerce you into their homes and force you to take porridge or chai. Many times you will be parting with gifts like groundnuts, avocados, and bananas wondering what just happened. If you're found walking about in a community you will often be asked by these Ultimate Greeters when you will visit their homes. Most of your time spent with them is shaking hands, kissing babies, and listening to their stories, but try not to get caught up in the politics of it all.
Wazee (Ages 51-who knows): This group of elders often carry most of the respect in the community. So whatever you do, you must nod in agreement with their crazy stories spoken in a mixture of English/Kiswahili/Dholuo and praise them for their vast wisdom. I have found that this type of Ultimate Greeter will only greet me in Kiswahili, which I don't quite understand why yet, but I have a sneaking suspicion they are messing with me. At some point in the conversation you will find that you have extinguished your knowledge of Kiswahili so it is advised to end with a long, drawn-out “Asssannnnteeee Saaannaaa!” and start walking backwards. The mzee Ultimate Greeter will seemingly become furious with this attempted termination, but really they are just trying to get a message across in a language you don't understand. They have been known to raise their cane above their heads and pump it to the cadence of their words. At this point you have attracted a lot of attention so it is wise to “check out” of the conversation and walk briskly in a direction where you will not encounter them again...at least for the day.
The Unknown: This version of Ultimate Greeter constitutes all ages and is generally unknown to the mzungu. It must be noted that they are not just nice people who greet anyone, but they only extend their greetings to white people. It doesn't matter if you're having a conversation, taking lunch, or walking with a destination, you will be constantly bombarded by these unknown greeters as others walk by without the slightest acknowledgment. Sometimes this type of Ultimate Greeter will take it once step farther and extend to a handshake. This is where “mzungu magic” is understood to be exchanged. Though I'm not sure what this “magic” consists of and how I can have access to it for myself.
All-in-all greetings and subsequent conversations take about about two hours of my day, and this is when I'm not out working in the field. At first the Ultimate Greeter was a huge stress and annoyance in my life, but slowly I became aware when things were too quiet and my supply of avocado too low. At which time I leave the comfort of my home for my “meet and greet”. Now nothing feels like home like hearing the patter of children's feet following me, too shy to stick out their hands, and the soft whisper of “mzungu” coming from the bushes. Up ahead people pause in the path as they watch my every move (I think an alien spaceship has just landed behind me). The Ultimate Greeter awaits their chance.
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